New spot, new job, new experiences, same old me and same God

 So, today marks my first day of Reserve Life - as I reported into work today.  I also finally found a place to live.  It met 1 of my 3 requirements and 1 of the requirements I never thought I wanted.  A beautiful view of the water.   I'm filled with emotions such as; fear, anxiety, excitement and joy.  I'm looking forward to what God has planned for me here.  I'm hoping he has a job planned soon. And hopefully a job and maybe some friends.  Until then.... I'll just sit on the beach and enjoy the view. 

He is... My Comforter

It's been forever, can't you be over it already? No, I am not over it.  I'll probably never be over it.  There are things in life that you can just accept, or you can rationalize it.  Or you can say this is the new normal.  Well, forget that!  It's sucks, just say it.  Don't sugarcoat it for other people.  Don't ignore your pain and ignore your healing to make someone else happy.  New normal is for people who think there's normal. There's only life.  Life changes, the only constant in life is God.  Cling to him with everything you've got.  Learn from him and read his love letter, he will hold you close.  He is.... My comforter.  

 

God controls it all, so control your attitude

My friend wrote this to me and it meant a lot to me; 

Chelle, I pray that as you go through your day you embrace the positive
things God has blessed you with and receive the positivity others try to share with you. It may be hard right now and I realize that, but look to the hills from which cometh your help. It cometh from the Lord.

"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the LORD, "plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

If I haven't already told you today, I LOVE YOU. I am praying for you. I
miss you.

Know that the past cannot be changed, but the future is still in your power.
I hope you can take these words and use them as you continue to allow God to
work through you.

Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams.

The past is what we always tend to look back on, but remember the future is
what we look to, to move forward.

I am so blessed by his words.  Sometimes I fixate so much on the things I cannot change that I forget to fix the things I can change, I can rejoice and be glad for the day and the fact that I'm still living.  I can't control anything much in my life, but I can control my attitude of how I receive it. So, Lord let me control what I can, let me be happy and rejoice in his word.  And give all the other things I can't control up to God.

Feeling Lost

I am at a loss for words.... I want to be around people and then I don't.  The problem is the people that I'm around right now is not the people I want around me.  I want my family.  I want the people that know me and know how to comfort me.  I want the people that recognize when I push them away it's a call for help, because I don't want to be alone at all, I just want to be loved and held and taken care of.  I want to cry for hours as I grieve.  I want to be allowed to not know what I want, but just be loved regardless.  I just want my family.  I'm tired of being around people who don't want me around.  

God help me! Help me feel your love as I sit here crying.  I just need your help.  I need your love.  I need you! 

Oceans- Feb 16, 2016

Feb 16, 2016...

It may be morbid that I find comfort in the a song called Oceans- the very thing that took my niece from me..... For those who don't know.  My niece drowned in the Ocean.  

She loved the water, she loved to splash in it and play with her brother.  She was perfect to me.  

I've been listening to this song on repeat, mostly because I have been finding some comfort in the words...If you've never heard it before.  Here are the lyrics...

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I think about Peter being called to walk on the water and him having to trust in God.  Right now the water, the ocean makes me sad, but I don't understand what God is doing in my life, but I know He is there and He is calling me to Him, because He wants to care for me. 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

I long to rest in the arms of the Father right now.  For I am His and He is mine!  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else right now.  I just long to rest in Him, as I get scared or overwhelmed by the things that I don't understand, He is watching over me.  
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

I love this... I just want to resonate in it.... His grace abounds when we go through our biggest struggles.  His hand is what leads me through this valley of sorrows.  When I cannot lean on my own strength.  I can lean on Him, because He has never failed me and He will never fail me.  

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

JESUS, lead me, lead me where You want me to be.  Lead me out on the water, where I have no ability to walk alone.  Lead me where You want me, lead me to where I have never gone before, because I have failed to trust You the way You desire me to.  Build up the relationship in me that You have been yearning for and I have been yearning for to have with You. And because You will lead me  my faith in You will become stronger and hopefully through Your light in me.  It will enable others to trust in You as You've shown me that You are more than deserving of that Trust.  

Lord, I'm trying.  Please meet me where I'm at.  Show me grace and mercy as I am wanting nothing more than You in my life right now. 

AMEN

10 out of 10 people die

Jan 30, 2016...

I'm feeling very pensive right now....

Only 1 flight left. Tons of People have been praying for my family and me and I have been so blessed by that. I haven't had a lot to say lately, but I feel I'm ready to share this....

"10 out of 10 people die." A saying Pastor Brett from my home church uses a lot. (A meadorism as we call them at ACCF) Death is just as much apart of life as living or being born is. Life sometimes feels like nothing more than a series of losses. Occasionally, being so focused on the losses you miss all the blessings. Death is an absolute certainty. When it comes varies, how it comes varies and who it affects varies. Being the one left behind is hard and everyone grieves differently, but I think how you respond to that loss matters. How you continue to live your life matters, because God isn't done with you yet, infact Moses was 80 before he really begun his work for God. 

People love to tell you "You’ll get over it…” It’s clichés like that, that cause grieving people hardship. You just lost someone you love. Now your life is forever different from what you thought it would be. You make plans with them, have dreams for them, you pray and hope for them. You never fully get over it because 'it' is a person you loved. The sharp pain dulls to an ache, new people fill your life, but the gap they left can never be filled. Because the hole in my heart is in the shape of an adorable sweet little 4 year old and no one else will ever be her or fill her place. And why would I want them to? That was perfectly her place in my heart. 

I don't know how to explain my feelings when people ask "how are you?" I have no response usually, I just smile and shrug. But they are sad for me so I chose to show them I'm ok, instead of being the blubbery mess I could be. The truth is, the only honest response I can give you is I'm moving forward. I'm trying not to dwell in the past, but I'm living with the life I've been given. I'm oh so blessed and thankful for the short time I was given with my beautiful sweet niece. There are days that are going to be hard and there are days that are going to be easier. Doesn't mean she's forgotten, just means I know she's safe in the Father's arms. I will see her again in Heaven. On that day, hugs, giggles and love will fill the house of the Lord and I will never lose her again.  

Save me a seat, Rissa-Roo and I'll see you in the Lord's timing. Until then I'm going to do my best to make the most of my time here on Earth. 😘

Sharing is Caring (old post)

Wednesday the Nov 9, 2011...

After work, I went to youth group where we had a lot of fun sharing stories of our weeks and also going over God's word. I love seeing them dig into God's word and learn more about his wonderful nature and his ability to love on us. I love watching them understand his awesome power and his love for us and all of mankind. They teach me so much too. It has been great to see them making connections of the parables back in biblical times, but also understanding how to apply God's word in their own lives. The Lord is so awesome and amazing I love reading Mark with them. It has been such a blessing.

Max's and Volleyball...(old post)

Tuesday the 8th...

Today has been getting increasingly better at work. I brought my scones today to work, since I accidentally, forgot them on monday. They were a big hit. Everyone really seemed to love them, for I think they were gone before 10 in the morning. The rest of the day was rather enjoyable after work, I went to dinner at Max's wine dive with my friend RV and then after we went to our volleyball game and sadly we lost, but it was a fun time. The ref gave us a free beer anyways because our team is kind of ridiculous and always messes around with him. He has been awesome for us every game, even if maybe the other team paid him 20 bucks before the game and that is why he kept calling it in their favor. I decided to go home instead of going out for a drink. I was quite tired and had to get up early for work the next day.

The Lord provides...(old post)

Monday Nov 7, 2011...

Went back to work, worked as charge, not so much fun, but what can you do. Today was a lot better than last week. The Lord seriously provides I am so grateful for how awesome he is. After work, I went to MNBS. I brought CM with me it was fun to spend more time with her. We decided to dress super hipster, very portlandian. Haha, I had a sweater and a jeans and scarf as well as some slipper like shoes. CM wore her leggings, and a long sweater with her hipster glasses. She calls it her pant less look, which makes me laugh! The night was quite hilarious. I am so glad that the Lord has brought these people into my life. They are all such awesome amazing Christians and I am so thankful that the Lord continually brings awesome people into my life. So the picture above, was obviously from the Haloween night, however, I thought it represents MNBS very well.

Learning to Love and Scone Recipes (old post)

Sunday Nov 6 2011...

Today after church I went a luncheon with the ladies from my Sophia class. It was quite an interesting class they talked about how we can become impatient and how we need to let the Lord lead us in our lives and not whine about it when things do not go our way. It was a really good message and kind of hit home for me. Considering, I am in a place in my life when I have been greatly desiring a relationship in my life. I have been focusing more on myself or my lack of relationship than upon the Lord. I realized that I have not had a legitimate date in 3 something years.. Ugh... That is a long time. I think I might have lost my swagger. :/ haha So, I had an epiphany that I need to start dating again and I decided to give my friend, TF the free range to set me up on a date. I showed some of the ladies in my group, how I tie my scarves. It was a fun luncheon. I am really glad I went. The Lord totally blesses me through these awesome ladies! After the Luncheon I went home and decided I wanted to bake. I invited my friend RV over and my new roommate CM was coming over too. It was funny to tell my other friends my epiphany and now they too have decided they need to find me a date before new years. haha.... I look forward to seeing what they come up with. In the mean time.... I made some Bacon and Cheddar scones...

The recipe was as follows,

3 c. flour

1/2 c. white sugar

5 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 c. butter

1 egg

1 c. half and half

1 pckt of bacon, cooked and chopped up

1 small block of cheddar cheese- even better if it is smoked :)

To Make:

1. Preheat oven to 400 deg- lightly grease sheet

2. In bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt, then add in butter, to mix better, cut up butter into small pieces.

3. Mix in egg and milk in another bowl, then combine with four mixture until moistened.

4. Knead dough on lightly floured surface, mix in chopped bacon and cheddar cheese (use as much as you think is needed).

5. Roll dough into a circle 1/2 thick.

6. Cut circle into 4 halves, then make a round with each half. Then cut each round into 8 wedges and place on baking sheet.

7. Sprinkle extra cheddar cheese on top of wedges.

8. Bake for 13-15 min in preheated oven, or till golden brown.

9. Enjoy the deliciousness. :)

Sweet Sixteen...(old post)

Saturday the Nov 5, 2011...

I slept in, went for a run in the morning and then went to one of my girls Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party today. I am so blessed to be part of her big day. I love that the girls feel comfortable enough with me to invite me into their personal lives and get to know them better. It was a lot of fun and sweet meeting her mom again and other people that are important in her life.

First Friday Friends...(old post)

Friday the Nov 4, 2011...

The First Friday of the month after work I went and ran the pub run, I've meaning to go out since I first got here back in March, when some of my friends went and were talking about it. Today, I went home and took a quick nap and then after the nap, went downtown with some friends and ran the pub run. I was so glad I went. It was really fun. I loved sprinting through downtown. It was the first time I think I ran since my PT test, which I passed. I didn't get above a 90, but at least I passed!! Yay!! Overall, it was quite an entertaining night and very enjoyable.

March 3, 2010 (old post)

I love that the Lord uses the weak and the foolish to confound the wise. It's just so absolutely perfect, since it is when things like the ignorant confounding the wise. A miracle as it would seem. We are supposed to have a child like faith to just believe, without seeing. However, even for the smartest brains of science such as Sir Isaac Newton for example, even he believed in the Lord. It just goes to show that even though, the message of the Lord is simple enough for a child to understand it still reaches those of higher knowledge bases. People I guess with an outstanding IQ, such as Galileo a man that was basically put under house arrest because he understood things in the Bible that had yet to be grasped by others yet. What is the craziest thing that I have done for the Lord. In all honesty, I can't really think of anything. I've never built an Ark in my backyard. I've never brought on plagues. I've never preached the word of God in a loin cloth in the middle of the woods, while eating locusts. It's interesting that how in our time, we don't even like to profess our faith because you get labeled as a crazy christian and everyone just wants to fit in.

Valentines Day 2016- MOVING FORWARD (NEW POST)

Happy Valentines Day!

I've decided to get back into blogging to help process through some things.  So, I ask you join me in my journey with grace and the understanding from above.  Don't judge my inability to write with the skill of one who studied to write.  But appreciate that I am about to share my heart with you....

I pray the Lord blesses you this day as you read through my struggles, may he bless us together as we move forward.  My life is no where I thought it would be right now, if you asked me when I first started this blog.  I recently lost my niece, Marissa.  She passed away on Jan 18, 2016.  It doesn't matter how she died, what matters is that SHE LIVED.   She was such a blessing to so many people.  I have been coping in the best way I know how....

So, here's me- I'm still not married.  No children of my own.  Still in the Military and currently in Turkey!  So, that's kinda where my life is.... Something I want to share with you is.  Wednesday was Lent and my 29th birthday.  So my goal for lent is to give up cursing, complaining and comparing myself and my life to others.  I am giving it up for 40 days, in hopes to give it up forever.  I am also trying to replace it with joy, blessing and celebrating the lives of others....

Things God is teaching me is- Comparison is one of the worst things you can do- it causes envy or greed. The desire you have for something you don't have, something you think your due or it can make you boastful. COMPARISON IS THE THEIF OF JOY.  I've been feeling very humble as of late. Ways I'm learning to combat the comparison thought process is with celebration and leverage.... Such as celebrating with others on their successes and use whatever you have as leverage to serve to the best to your ability. 

I miss my niece daily, but I am thankful that she lived and she touched so many lives.  I pray one day I have a daughter that reminds me of her and I will be able to tell her about her cousin who lives in heaven and is watching over her with angel wings.  

God bless my family and friends and continue to bless them for the support they've given to my sister, her husband and our family as we keep moving forward.

Friends from Home (old post)

Wednesday the Nov 2, 2011...

Had another long day at work. However, after work I got to go to church and hang out with my girls. We had some really go discussions tonight. I also got a call from my friend CM, who had a bad case of mold in her home. So, she asked if she could stay the night. It worked out well, I think because the past weekend, I had cleaned out my closet and had recently bought some new sheets for my pull out couch. I was also very glad for the company, considering I have been feel quite homesick recently. So, yeah for roommates!

⁴⁶ So Moses, Aaron and the leaders of Israel counted all the Levites by their clans and families. ⁴⁷ All the men from thirty to fifty years of age who came to do the work of serving and carrying the tent of meeting ⁴⁸ numbered 8,580. ⁴⁹ At the LORD’s command through Moses, each was assigned his work and told what to carry.
Thus they were counted, as the LORD commanded Moses.

Lazy Sundays... (old post)

Sunday the Nov 20, 2011...

So, I decided to bring Titus to sunday school with me. She did really well, she slept for most of the class. Then after sunday school I put her in my car and then went to big church. After church I sat with one of the girls I met at CM's going away party and one of my girls. After church I brought Titus back out to meet some people. She did great with all of the kids. Then one of my girls and I went shopping and played with Titus. It was a nice chill afternoon, Got to Skype with my family and introduce Titus to them. I also got to just chill, watch a movie and relax. I love lazy sundays!!

Puppies and Parties... (old Post)

Saturday the Nov 19th, 2011...

Meet Titus

So I woke up and did something kind of crazy. I had planned to go to a dog adoption event with my friend RV. Sadly, he worked the night before and had slept in. I eventually, got frustrated waiting for him to wake up so I ended up going without him. I went to go see some puppies of an ad that I saw. I called the Lady and she told me how a guy she knew had been feeding their pregnant mom and that she recently gave birth in his barn. Well, he fed her for a couple weeks but eventually, he needed to get rid of the puppies. I'm not sure if the mom just took off without the puppies or what. However, he was going to take them to a high kill shelter and then the lady that I got them from intervened and adopted them to find them homes. There was originally about 8-10 in the liter. When I went there was about 5-6 left. I found a puppy that I hit it off really well with. And I ended up getting her. She was already spayed and had her first shots. So after I got her we went to the store and I got some basic pet supplies. We then went to Target and then we went to another sweet sixteen party. After the sweet sixteen party we came home watched a movie and I fed my puppy and then we went to my friend's CH and MK's engagement party. Overall, it was a very long and eventful day. But fairly enjoyable.

V-ball and board games..(old post)

Thursday the Nov 10, 2011...

Today was a good day at work and it was also my friday since, I didn't have to work the next day. So, I cleaned my apartment and was trying to get the room all clean. CM had gone to her work retreat for the weekend. So, I cleaned up the living room, did the dishes and cleaned the apartment for the weekend, because I knew I wouldn't be there either. I went to my volleyball game and we won!! After we won our game, we went to the Hangar for our free beer, we played some darts and pool at the bar. After the game some of us decided to go to play games and other people went out dancing. RV, RL and I went back to my place and played Quelf. I have to admit it was quite hilarious. So much fun. I love watching people act like idiots, this game cracks me up.

The Bed Frame Fiasco (old post)

So.... I ordered the bed frame a month ago... After calling 2x and being told my bed had yet to ship I finally get an e-mail to set up a drop off time of my bed. As I wait in my room, for 2 hours during the obligatory self-imposed house arrest placed upon people who hope to obtain service from companies who have yet to learn time management. I wait for the phone call I was told I would receive, when I hear a loud truck outside and I can only assume it is my bed. To find out it is actually a neighbor across the street that is moving out. I continue my wait, with anxious trepidation. When finally a loud knock comes at my door. I jump to my feet put on my tennis shoes and go to the door. He asks, "if I would like to come get my packages?" I say, "yes thank you." He walks me downstairs and he gets into the truck. He then unloads the 2 rather large and heavy boxes on the the grass, well if you can call it that. It is Texas grass. So, then he asks, "You need help." My thoughts, " Your kidding right, You really think that a girl my size is not going to need help. I am not some body builder extraordinaire that can carry this all by myself and I am just an average girl with terrible upper body strength. So he helps me take the long box upstairs. When we contemplate the best way to get up the awkward shaped box that holds my headboard he decides it would probably be easiest if you just empty the box and carry it all up one by one. As I am taking up all the small things he cuts through the cardboard to retrieve the headboard. Or at least that is what I think he did while I took 3 trips up and down the stairs with the rest of my bed supplies. When we pull the headboard out I notice a huge gash and I say, " Oh no. Look at that." He asks, "Is it on the bottom?" My thoughts, "Does it matter there is a huge gash in my brand new bed frame that is not supposed to come with a gash anywhere. " What I actually say, "Yeah, that's the top." He asks, "Are you going to refuse it?" My thoughts, "Umm, yeah isn't it obvious it has a huge gash. I don't want to accept something that has already been destroyed. Wouldn't you refuse it as well?" What I actually say, "Yes." He gets on the phone with his supervisor which he explains might take a while. As we waits he turns away from me with his back to me. Then he begins to talk to his supervisor my guess is complaining about me because I don't want to accept the bed frame with a large gash in the headboard. So I try to maneuver myself so I can hear at least his conversation ever so stealthily and then he moves away from me more and the little pieces of conversation I could hear become nothing. So he turns around to me and asks me to go back and get everything that goes in that box so that he can take it back to the supplier. My initial thought is," No you broke it, you go get it all." But I turn and leave and carry it all back down in 2 trips instead of three. So, he tells me I can go call the supplier and they will send another one. I ask, " Do you need help getting it back in the truck." Thinking that he better say no, which he does so I leave to go back upstairs and call the supplier to get a new bed. I call the number that is given to me in the e-mail. After listening to the your call will be helped in 15 minutes I receive a real person who then asks how can I help you, I tell her my predicament and she transfers me to another person. This happens 2 more times until I finally reach Ashley who I tell my problem to and she tells me that I am muffled and I need to speak louder. I begin to speak what I feel like is barely below a yell. She tells me that is better. So I finally tell her my problem and she tells me to hold on that she is going to contact someone else and this happens probably 3 or 4 more times until I am told that she is going to have to speak to the shipper which can take up to 48 hrs and that she will get back to me when she knows more. So I am still bed frame less and have a giant white box filled with bed parts.... and no head board. #Frustration

First Night of Afflicted...(old post)

Friday the Nov 11, 2011...

Today I went to the store and bought a few things to organize my apartment. I got to sleep in, went for a run and got to enjoy my day off. I went downtown to the Alamodome to pick up my race stuff for the San Antonio rock and roll half marathon. After picking up my stuff and packing up all my stuff I went to church for the first night of the Echo weekend: Afflicted. We sang some songs and then drove out to the house we were staying at. It was a fun night. We spent a lot of time in the word that night, talking and joking. The girls were so funny about where they were sleeping.

Afflicted day 2...(old post)

Saturday the Nov 12, 2011...

Woke up before everyone in the house, kind of makes me laugh, but then again I have been waking up early for the past 3 weeks, so it slightly makes since that I couldn't sleep in. I woke up and read my Bible and then Barb went on a SB run. She went to get some coffee for the morning to help wake us up, much needed for the long day ahead of me. Then after coffee Mrs. R brought over breakfast and lunch for the day. We woke the girls up, had breakfast and then everyone broke up to have morning devos. Then we had together time and went over some more of the lessons. Then after lunch and more lessons, we went to Amazing Jump, a huge gym like area that is lined with trampolines. It was a lot of fun, super entertaining and I was able to meet more of the kids in the group. A few of us leaders started showing off some crazy dance moves. I will admit I was one of them. After the gym, we went back to the Church, where we had dinner from Whataburger, my first whataburger experience. haha. I went home for the night, so that I could get a good nights sleep.

A slightly memorable moment of the night, was probably when one of the HS boys walks up to me and asked me where I learned to move like that. I laughed and he asked if I was married or dating. I told him I was currently still single, but if he sees a tall handsome man, send him my way. His response was, " What if he is short, has blonde hair and is wearing red shorts." (mind you that is what he was wearing.) So funny. Oh little boys. I smiled at him and told him I was far too old for him. My girls that were standing and chatting with me, got to witness this whole experience, I kind of felt bad for him. But at the same time, who hits on leaders... We are old farts! Overall, it was a really enjoyable day. Many memories made, more relationships established.

PULL ME BACK TO YOU

Feb 16, 2016-

Why am I so far from you.... You call to me... and I push you away.  You pull me in and I strain to get out.  What am I so afraid of.  Pull me in, hold me close and take care of me.  Only you can bless me.  God please keep coming after me, I don't know why I keep running from you.

Afflicted Day 3/ SA Rock N Roll Half (old post)

Sunday the Nov 13, 2011...

So, I woke up and drove downtown for the race, I met up with my friend PB, EJ and CJ. We started the run, and kind of split up somewhere in the middle, but found each other at the end. Not my best race, but at least I finished. That's all I can really ask for when I was super tired and not feeling like I was going to be able to do it. After the run, I went home showered and then went to church and sat with the rest of the people in the Red shirts. After church I went out to eat with some of the people from my MNBS group as well as some of the people that attend the singles group at church. After Lunch I went home and crashed. I took a nice long nap and passed out for the next 2-3 hours. After my nap, I just kind of rested the rest of the day/night, watching movies and chilling.

Life is Changing (old post)

Dear Lord,

Lord, I don't know how to calm down my feelings.  Please allow me healthy feelings. Please take away any feelings that are not healthy.  Take away my fears and my desires.  Allow me your wisdom and just allow me to not freak out when I cannot express how much I want something.   I only need you.  You complete me.  I want to draw into you and your word and not get bogged down by making anything not you my world.  When you are my entire world.  Please Lord allow me to follow your word and follow your plan for me.  I hate being sick.  I don't know why you have made me sick.  I don't know what I am supposed to learn from this.  Other than the fact that I hate it.  I feel like an emotional hot mess everyday.  I want to be normal.  I want to feel like I used to.  I want to feel in control of everything going on in my body.  The more I try to control or try to understand my body.  The more you take it away from me and give me nodules in my knuckles.  You draw me near to you and I pull away.  You pull me to you and I push away.  You break me and still I try to stand on my own.  I don't know what more you want from me.  I am a broken mess that does not deserve to breathe and yet you have given me eternal life.  What do you have for me.  I feel so trapped.  I feel so confined by my current state.  I feel like I am failing as a christian.  I feel like no one understands my pain.  I wish I did not feel so alone.  Lord I am calling out to you.  Please take me in your arms.  Take me away from this pain.  Be my safe harbor.  Take me out of this hell hole I call my life.  I can't BREATHE... Lord allow me the ability to breathe.  Allow me air!! I just want you.  Help me to go to you.  Help me.... I can't do it on my own.... I CAN"T DO IT!!!! I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T.... WHERE ARE YOU!!!! I NEED YOU!

Matthew 5 

Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, ² and he began to teach them.

Why did he go up the mountainside?  What was the purpose?  Did it provide him an amphitheater feeling so people could hear him better.  Or did he just want to see them better?  He wants to see us.  He wants us to hear him.  Or perhaps he knows how lost little sheep we are and we need to see our shepherd or even though we hear him we will fall into pits unless we can physically see him.

He sat down... even he needs rest.  People came to hear him speak.  He wants to teach.

The Beatitudes

He said:

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

The poor in spirit.... because they are rich in love.  The less you have the less you invest in the things of the world and the more you invest in people. 
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.  HE COMFORTS THOSE IN PAIN... why don't I feel like he can hear me.  Where is my comfort?
 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁵ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled. allow me to be filled up with you.  I miss blessed happiness. 
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Lord my affliction does not feel cause because of my faith in you, but of pure and utter malice from the devil.  Why have you allowed him to afflict me so.  ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. If my reward be in heaven than take me now.  I would rather live in your presence than here on earth.  Here I feel helpless.  I feel lost.  I feel alone.  I don't want to be here where I feel as though I am alone and no one cares of my afflictions.  Please take me where I can sit in your presence and enjoy the light of your glory.  

Salt and Light

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. Have I become saltless... am I useless for your glory. Is that why I have become afflicted.  

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others,that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Help me to glorify you?  How can I serve you?  How can I be a light for others.  How can I allow your light to shine through me.  The second we take our thoughts off ourselves and put it directly all upon you than we can truly be a light because it is by your glory and not our own that we finally learn to shine.  

The Fulfillment of the Law

¹⁷ “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. You showed us how we cannot fulfill the law, but to save us anyways.  Why do you love the unlovely.  Why do you choose to pick those that cannot even stand by themselves.  If we do it for our own pride than you have gained nothing.  IF we show how much we cannot do it without you.  Than your glory will truly shine. ¹⁸ For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished.¹⁹ Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. ²⁰ For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven. I cannot do it without you... I am broken for you... Please help me. 

Murder

²¹ “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,^[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ ²² But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister^[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’^[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

²⁵ “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.²⁶ Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny. STOP being critical of others... The more you focus upon the flaws of others you stop focusing on your own flaws which are far worse than those you persecute. 

Adultery

²⁷ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’^[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹ If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰ And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. Lord help my hands to be pleasing to you... Help my eyes stay focused upon you.  I need nothing but your mercy and truth, your grace and your love.  Keep me in your ways.  For my own only cause me to stumble.  

Divorce

³¹ “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’^[f] 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths

³³ “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ ³⁴ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; ³⁵ or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King.³⁶ And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. ³⁷ All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’;anything beyond this comes from the evil one.^[g]

Eye for Eye

³⁸ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’^[h] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.⁴⁰ And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. ⁴¹ If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. ⁴² Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Love for Enemies

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[i] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Love others... Go above and beyond.... Don't do it because you already should.  Don't do it because you think others will like you more.  Do it because it pleases him.   Lord help me to glorify you with everything I do.  

Lord if this man is not the one I am supposed to marry.  May he figure it out sooner than later.  Lord I am not one to walk away.  But if this relationship is not pleasing to you.  Please allow me the good mind and the heart to get out before I become enveloped in sin.  Lord please help me to live for you and to constantly have my mind upon you and then I will not feel sucked into the thoughts of the sinful man.  For though I am nothing.  I am a creation of GOD and I have worth because he spoke my name into the book of life and he gave me worth.  Please allow me the ability to bring glory to your name and not justify my name, but to bring joy to my life because I have chosen by God to live in the world so that more might come to know him and more may gain eternal life.  Who would see your glory by my whines, my complaining.  My constant need for the gratification of others.  If no one appreciates my life.  Than so be it.  I only want to live for you.

Shopping, Rest and Relaxin'... (old post)

Monday, Nov 14 2011...

Another day off... Yay! Much needed after all the afflicted and running and craziness, I went for a nice short 3 mi run today. A way to just keep my legs from feeling like jelly. I did some shopping and browsing, found a few things but overall, just spent a nice relaxing day just chilling and enjoying the day off. After a nice afternoon of chillin' on the couch I went to MNBS.

The Breakfast Club... (old post)

Tuesday the Nov 15, 2011...

Back to the work grind... I was in the PACU today. I had a very enjoyable day. After work I got invited to the Breakfast Club, a breakfast dinner. Sadly, all that meant was dress in Pjs and eat breakfast foods. Sadly, we did not watch the Breakfast club as well. I got to meet more people in the Singles group, so that was fun. After dinner, I helped clean up and then we all chatted for a while. I had to leave early, because I needed to go to my indoor-vball game. Sadly we lost again. However, the night was fairly enjoyable overall.