Forty Six...

It's friday!! Woot Woot! Well, today was one crazy mess after another. We had about 40-50 cases come back today. busy busy day. To put it simply, we had one episode that required the crash cart to be brought out and another that required the whole surgeon team. Both episodes resolved and it turned out to be a pretty okay day. I had someone tell me they missed working with me and Another lady told me I was crazy, but that it was always such a joy to work with me. I also got one of the new residents to sing Can I get a witness... too funny!!! After work I went out to dinner with an old friend from COT, which was a lot of fun. Overall, a bit crazy but a good day.

What I read... Genesis 46

Jacob travels to Egypt with all of his family 70 in all. Jacob and Joseph are united and Joseph tells them to tell the Egyptians they are shepherds so they do not mix with the Egyptians. I love the reunion of father and son. They were so happy to see each other again after so many years after so many tears. Oh what a joyful reunion that must have been. It makes me excited to see my own family in just a couple weeks. I am so excited I can barely hold in my joy right now. I love having skype dates with my family or chatting on the phone but there is something so happy about being together in person as one big happy family. I have seen too much sadness and frustration when families come together I am so happy that my immediate family is so loving and caring for one another I am truly blessed to call them family.

God Bless!!

Forty five...

Today was my day off and I slept in, picked up my apartment and did dishes and then went shopping. I got a wireless keyboard for my computer and though I could not get it to work yet. I am much excited about it. I also had a fun little shopping spree at AE one of my favorite stores and I also went to Borders since they were having a going out of business sale I got a few great deals. Overall, I much needed enjoyable day.

What I read.... Genesis 45

So Joseph finally reveals himself to his brothers and in turn gives them many gifts and blessings and tells them to bring Jacob and all their families back with them that they might be taken care of in the next 5 years of famine. When they came back home to Jacob and he saw and heard of everything he was restored. Infact he is even called Israel again. It would seem that when Jacob is living of the world he is called by his fleshly name, but when he is called Israel he is called by God and living in a manner that is righteous. Above every part of this passage my favorite has to be that Joseph harbors no ill will towards his brothers, no animosity over the situation he was put in, but he saw it as an act of God to take care of his family and many other lives. Wherever the Lord leads me I hope I can see it always as a blessing and be able to glorify the Lord whatever situation may come my way.

God bless

Forty four...

Well, today I worked in PACU, which was a blast. I love it here. So, it was not super crazy but it was a good day. We did have one interesting case, Smile team took it on, aka Tabs and me. So when we went to land the guy, he came from Cath lab, and he had had a fairly simple procedure done, no major problems, until right after he started to wake up, he had severe 10/10 pain in the abdominal region. Well, mind you this type of case does not usually get pain at all let alone the abdominal region. So, we put a 12 lead EKG on him, we tried to manage his pain, and it just wouldn't come down, we called the surgeons. When they arrived his pain was no longer a 10/10 but it was still high. We started listening to them trouble shoot the problem a possible small leak, a perforation of an artery, all interesting possibilities, well it was an interesting case to say the least we sent him to ICU to get ready for more procedures to try to see what was causing the pain. It was quite a day.

What I read... Genesis 44

Joseph tests his brothers again, he puts his fancy silver cup in Benjamin sack as well as all the silver that they had brought with them and he sent his steward to overtake them and then to bring back Benjamin to become a slave for Joseph and the rest of the brothers go free. However, Judah pleads for Benjamin to save him and go in his place that Benjamin might return to his father. It would appear that Joseph's brothers had done some growing up and were no longer selfish greedy men. They were willing to look after and take care of their youngest brother. They were even willing to take his place and become Joseph's slave instead of Benjamin. What was Benjamin thinking during all this time. He must have been a grown man by now, he says nothing during this whole interlude, or perhaps he fears his brothers for what happened to Joseph. How amazing the Love though that was shown to Jacob, to return his favorite son to him. Judah must have been a slight bit jealous not to be the favorite, yet he was willing to take the place of Benjamin to spare his father more pain. I wonder what it must have been like to live in that household when Jacob was mourning Joseph and the rest of the brothers knew of their guilt on how they treated their brother. I know for myself sometimes, when I do something that was unintentional and wrong how horrible I feel to cause another pain, but to intentionally sacrifice a loved one and cause pain of another loved one, I cannot imagine the pain and guilt that overwhelmed them.... To show that much love, is much like what Jesus did for us, he took the place of us, though he did not have any guilt to bear, it was not his burden to pay, yet still he paid it at a price that cost him his life. How amazing is that love!

God Bless

Forty three...

So yet again another day in pre-op. Today was a awesome at IVs. I seriously got everyone on the first try and I have to admit I was really proud of myself, because I am finally getting the hang of putting IVs in the hand. I have to admit I was not so keen on it in the beginning but the hand veins are almost becoming more easier than the the ACs. What does that say? hahah... There was one old lady at the end of the day that I could tell was not a fan of getting poked, she freaked out when I poked her in the forearm... which I got the vein on the first try but then it blew... :( However, she complained that she doesn't like it in the hand, which I held my tongue but golly I was just like Ma'am I did not put it in your hand it's in your arm. She cried out the second time I tried to stick her and she jumped and yelled," She's killing me, Help!" I have to admit I have never quite had that reaction to an IV start. However, I will admit I steered clear of her after that. She was joking and teasing with the anesthesiologist while I was starting her IV, which I have to admit was quite hilarious. She was teasing him, so he teased back, I've only lost 2 today. Which I know he was teasing but he shut her up good... haha. I still can't help smiling when I think of her face to that statement. Oh my word, best part of my day right there followed by the worst when she yelled I was killing her. Anyways, that was my day in a nutshell.

what I read... Genesis 43

In dire need of more food, Jacob reluctantly sends his sons with Benjamin to go buy grain from Joseph and sends them with extra silver, for the old and the new grain they are to buy. Well, when Joseph sees that they brought Benjamin, he prepares a feast for them and Simeon is released and they all eat, but as the brothers are all arranged at the table by age, the youngest Benjamin receives a dinner serving 5X that of his brothers. Joseph appears to be testing his brothers. To see what they will do when Benjamin receives this large disproportional helping. Was Joseph right to test his brothers? Did he give so much to Ben because they were biological brothers of the same mother. As the Lord saw Isaac as the true heir to land given to Abraham, was Joseph too seen in the eyes of God as the true heir to the promised land, for Rachel was the chosen wife. Sometimes, I wonder though we do sin and things come out all jumbled as the people in the just the first book of Genesis show us. Perhaps the Lord truly does become blind to our sins, for his perfect will is still upheld in the genealogy lines of men. Isaac though second born, was given first born rights, Jacob though devious and deceptive and a second born was also given first born rights and now Joseph though almost last on the list to be born though the first of Rachel, seems to get first born rights not only in the eyes of Jacob, but also in the eyes of God. I think the Lord tests us not only like Joseph tests his brothers to see what they will do, but in terms of choosing our lives and dealing with the hand that has been dealt to us, to make the most of it and not become jealous or angry but to be happy for those that good things happen to. If we became cynical every time something amazing happened to our friends, how sad would it be, to have no one to share your joy, your laughter, your happiness. I believe that we are to share eachothers sorrows as much as we are to share eachother's joys, not to take away from them and not to take on burdens, but to come together in community and build up one another and pray for one another just as well as being happy and praising God together when the good does happen. I honestly am not sure how I ended here after that passage, but in my head it made sense I hope you were able to follow my thought process as well. Praise be to the Lord for all the good he brings to me and to you!

God Bless!

Forty two,,,

Well... truth be told. I am frustrated with my inablitity to lose weight right now. Son instead of getting myself all worked up I'm not worrying about it for a little while. no weigh ins for the next 2 weeks. I don't need to stress over that. However, I am still going to work out and continue to try and eat healthy, but I don't want it to be all I think about. So, on mondayI had an early morning at work. It was kind of a busy day so I got put up front to help process people in for surgery. It was fine. I also helped do a lot of IVs, which luckily I was on today! Yay! Then PACU started getting kind of busy and I came over to help relieve people so they could go to lunch. I had forgotten how much I love working PACU and being on 50 first dates. It was fun because since I had worked pre-op I got to see a lot of people before and after surgery. It never ceases to amaze me how different people are after anesthesia.

What I read today... Genesis 42

The famine in the land sends Jacobs sons to Egypt to get grain for the family. Since Joseph was in charge he called out his brothers and told them that they were spies and that they needed to bring the younger brother and he would hold one captive till they brought the youngest benjamin. Well, I don't know what it is about Biblical times but everytime something bad happens to them they blame it on some past sin, such as selling their brother. I don't know about you. But somehow, when crap or bad stuff happens to me. I don't usually think of the last bad thing I did and think man here is my payback for all the terrible things I did. I guess maybe it's my optimism or the fact that bad stuff does happen to good people. Sure, if I cut someone off and then later get cut off I think well, ok. Although, I think there is something to be said for karma. I still cannot believe that for every bad roll you make you will get a good roll.... Let's face it sometimes you feel like you're spiraling downward and sometimes it seems like it is never going to end. Or sometimes great things are happening and the Lord is really working in your life. Why do we have to think if great things are happening, that something bad is going to happen. Besides if bad stuff never happened to us, how would we know when really great amazing things are occurring. I know amazing stuff is not happening to me daily. However, I do think I live a pretty blessed life and I am so grateful for all the Lord has shown and given to me. Thank you.

God Bless...

Thirty Seven- Eight- Nine, Forty and - One

Well... I think it official that my diet has succumbed to my exhaustion and thus I eat whatever is easiest to eat or what sounds good.... Well... perhaps I will try again next week.

Since today is sunday and we are catching up on Wed to Sun... I'll give you a recap, I worked wed, thur and fri... Saturday I took it easy and hung out with my friend CM in the morning and had lunch with her for my evening I did my dishes and then went and ran an 8k with RV, and then went to Howl at the moon with some friends from work, and COT... It was good times seeing old friends! I went to Church saw my friend SF and her new Fiance, and then went to Lunch with the high school youth pastor and his family... Overall I had a pretty good week... Sure there were high points and low points but I think it was a decent week....

What I read was... Genesis 37

Recap... Jacob picks favorites of all his children and causes dissension admist his children. So all his sons were out taking care of the flocks, when he sends Joseph to go check on them, wearing his special cloak.... When his brothers spot him, they plot to kill him and decide that they don't want to kill him, but they want to sell him for some money, they go back to their father with his fancy cloak all torn up and and thus Jacob thinks Joseph has died...

I guess when I read this passage I just see a perfect picture of Jesus, he came unto his own and his own received him not, infact he was betrayed and sold by those he thought were his brothers. I hate being hated, feeling as though you don't fit in is always difficult, when we seem to be programmed to desire fellowship with others. We are relational creatures, we are personable to each other and truth be told the saying, "it's nothing personal" is ridiculous... it is always personal to someone.

Genesis 38

Can I just say I really want to skip over this chapter... :/ So Judah has a son and he marrier Tamar, and dies, second son marries her and he dies, third son is withheld from her to apparently grow up a little and then is supposed to marry her. Well, when Tamar sees that he is grown and still not married to her... she dresses up like a prostitute and Judah comes by sleeps with her and then she becomes preggo by him, she takes his staff, seal and cord as a pledge for a young goat in return for sleeping with him... Well the men find out she's preggo and when Judah finds out he wants to burn her... But she shows him his own staff, seal and cord and then he calls her righteous and then she has twins and bam Judah has more kids... well I'm not trying to judge but seriously, which part of this story is worse.... everyone who marries Tamar dies.... Judah witholding his third son (truthfully, I can understand why he did). Tamar dressing up like a prostitute... Judah sleeping with a prostitute, Tamar becoming pregnant by her father in law, Judah going to burn Tamar and the unborn child... talk about abortion... or Judah saying Tamar is a righteous woman... Hmmm.... This is one crazy soap opera I can say I am very glad to not be part of it.... I honestly guess what I can take from this... is be a man or in my case woman of your word. If Judah had not withheld his last son from her, would she have felt the need to dress up like a prostitute to get impregnated by her father in law....Let me know what kind of things you learned from this... because I am more than curious your thoughts on this chapter.

Genesis 39

So... back the story of Joseph.... he is now sold to Potiphar and Pot's saw that the Lord was with him... so he gave him all of his possessions and did not worry about anything but eating. Pot's wife advances on Joseph, so Joseph runs away naked as Pot's wife was still holding his cloak, and then she says that he was making advances on her... and when Pot finds out he puts him in jail and then the Jail warden sees that the Lord is with Joseph and he is put in a position of authority.... Let's be honest if Judah was anything like Joseph then Tamar would not be acting like a prostitute and getting pregnant out of wedlock... but I must say in this whole passage I am most impressed that everyone saw the Lord in Joseph... that is so impressive. I want people to meet me and just know that the Lord is with me, I know I am blessed but so are so many other Americans... I think it is so amazing that people could just see that the Lord was with him... I want that too... On Friday my friend ask me why I am always happy or smiling... I told her with a song... I got the Joy Joy Joy down in my heart, where? Down in my heart. I must admit I think Joseph is such an awesome man of God he runs when faced with sexual sin, and he never complains about getting sold, or getting thrown in prison. He always just flourishes, where ever he is. I aspire to be that kind of person. A person that always is joyful no matter my circumstances.

Genesis 40

The Cupbearer and the Baker get thrown in jail and then both have dreams... Joseph interprets their dreams for them and the Cupbearer lives and the Baker dies, as Joseph had interpreted by God's help. He asks the Cupbearer to remember him and tells him his story.... However, when the 3 days had passed and the Cupbearer was released, he did not remember Joseph. How often do people bless us or give us good news and we forget all about them... We like to say we will remember people but how often do people that we no longer see everyday not only slowly get forgotten, but you start to even forget what they look like or what they were like... Who have I forgotten? Who will forget me... am I worth remembering and even if I am not, I hope that if I am remembered, it is for the good things and not the bad.

Genesis 41

2 years later Pharaoh has a dream and the cupbearer remembers Joseph and he explains the interpretation of the dream as that they will have 7 years of great harvest and then 7 years of famine and Joseph explains how they are to prepare for the harvest and then Pharaoh puts him in charge of everything and all the world comes to Egypt to visit Joseph to get grain. In the mean time Joe gets married and has 2 kids.

When we go through good times, how often do we put aside something for later like Joseph or do we eat it all and then in the times of famine do we suffer like the rest of the world. Did the Lord not give us the ability to read of his word daily, to take of the daily bread and to eat of it, how often I take for granted the word in it's large abundance of meat. I devour the word with great longing in times of famine. Why do I feel like sometimes when the word is plentiful and all is going great in life I don't feel the strong desire to read the word like I do when I am going through a drought or a famine. It would seem that the reason things start to go sour is because I am not as studious of the word as I once was. Well truth be told. I had a little bit of that this week. I didn't read my bible on thursday or friday and on saturday I felt really distant and thus had a great date with God... it was good because there were a lot of things I needed to give over to him and to just get them off my chest. I was struck by something one of the women at church said today. About her daughter and her overall situation. I realized how silly my troubles are.... how blessed I truly am... how often I take for granted all the amazing things that the Lord has provided for me. I wish I was more thankful. I wish I could have a job where all I did was just sit at the feet of the Lord and listen and worship and praise him. I realize how blessed I am to have a job though, but I sometimes let that job get me so busy that I forget to say thanks and give praise when praise is do even in the small things. Lord help me to not forget how blessed I truly am and to pray for those that are going through famines and to give them some of my grain. I hope that wasn't too many metaphors that you got lost... but I just kept rolling with it... I think the Lord is amazing and I need to share him more... Isn't that what he called me to do... I guess I better start doing.

Thirty Six....

Today was my day off and what a glorious day it has been... I slept in, I washed Duke, I went to Home Depot, where they told me they could not fix my lamp... After frustration and hunger pains, I decided to try out the cafe down on broadway called Le Madeline... it was amazing... I got a breakfast croissant and a cafe caramel frappe, which both were light and airy and though delicious and filling, did not make me regret my decision to eat there by leaving me with a food baby. I went to the Home and Hardware store near my apartment and they told me they cannot fix my lamp... Utter disappointment, However, the fellow that helped me, by trying to look to find a part that would fix my lamp was really very sweet and funny. I will admit if he had asked me out... I probably would not have said no... However, that appears to not be the case... Well, after going back home I watched some more Melissa and Joey had my greek scramble... I appear to be all about the eggs today... For a snack I had some berries and granola all while still putting off going to the store to buy more food as I am down to almost only condiments now... Oh the joys of living alone. The pest control guy came by while I was being lame and sitting in front of my TV and writing on my blog, which leaves me to where I am now... contemplating going to the store.. and yet still unable to move my lazy but from this spot. Good News though... the youth pastor e-mailed me back, so we are going to meet up after church next sunday... I'm super excited about it... whether I am a good fit or not.... I am trying to reach out and help out, and worst case scenario I meet 2 more people that go to wayside.

Well... in case you weren't paying attention above... I had a croissant and caramel frappe, greek scramble and some granola with berries... not sure on dinner yet, but I'm leaning towards left overs of rice and chicken, since it does not involve going to the grocery store

What I read... Genesis 36

The Geneology Line of Esau... and the Edomities... not going to lie to you... I read it and as much as I tried I really gleaned nothing from it today... So I decided to look over some of my older notes.... v.25-43 Esau was a man of the flesh... what is the flesh then... or ergo who was Esau... The flesh is prolific... Esau seemed not to care about the Lord or doing what his parents wanted for his life... His parents didn't want him to marry the women of the land and he went out and married a Canaanite woman, a few actually. The flesh is powerful... Esau was able to conquer a whole nation... and because it is powerful that is why we have troubles with it and we have to wrestle with it, to do write and beat it. The flesh is prosperous... though the flesh is not blessed, it can be profitable for a season... just as the Edomities will be prosperous for a season... They are even around till the time of Jesus as the Herod's were Edomities. The flesh is persistent, the reason you wrestle with your flesh is because even though you fight it off it still comes back to get you time and time again, new and old things to make you trip and stumble. The flesh is prideful, it thinks it is better than God, how silly are we to think that we our a self made man... we have made nothing of ourselves, God has made all of it... We can take credit for nothing for he made us and anything we can make has come from him. I know that this was really good for me to read back over, I hope it was profitable for you as well... Now I need to buckle down and go grocery shopping.

Good Night and God Bless!

Thirty Five...

Well... back to the work grind again... It was a fine monday, nothing that great about it, but the fact that I'm another week older in life. It was sweet, because I had this lady, who was married to a chaplain, and she could not void (urinate, go to the bathroom, pee) I loaded her up with fluids, and still nothing... She was getting to the point where we were either going to have to keep her over night, worry that something went wrong, or send her home with a catheter.... I didn't really like any of those options, but I told them to her... She was so sweet, after she finally went to the bathroom, she was so proud she came and got me and showed me what she had accomplished... I told her good... As I was taking out her IV, her husband said, man I was praying so hard. What an answer to prayer that you finally went to the bathroom. I told them... "I'm not going to lie, but I said a prayer for ya too." It was something I probably would not have shared if I didn't know he was a chaplain, but it was what he said that struck me, as they told me about the many people that were in their church and even people waiting on their front porch to welcome her home that had been praying for her... He said, "It must have been your prayer then." It truly struck me... I laughed it off at the time... thinking oh it's not me but him... But it's true he hears our prayers even the silent ones I think while sitting next to one of my patients. I am so grateful that He is a God who hears us, and even me, my simple, quiet, silly prayers.

What I ate... coffee, crackers, salad, coffee, tuna in pasta. bread and olive oil.

What I read... Genesis 35

This is kind of a full passage, the Lord again, makes promises to Jacob and Benjamin is born, Rachel dies, Deborah dies and Issac dies... there is something kind of sad about when you lose the main character of your story... like Isaac, and before him it was Abraham and before him Noah and before that Adam... well there was a lot of people in between all of them... but still... there is something terribly tragic about losing the person you've been reading about. I know they are not perfect and they make mistakes, however, I don't know about you but I start to feel like I know them...

27 Then Jacob came to his father Isaac at Mamre, or Kirjath Arba (that is, Hebron), where Abraham and Isaac had dwelt. 28 Now the days of Isaac were one hundred and eighty years. 29 So Isaac breathed his last and died, and was gathered to his people, being old and full of days. And his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.

I really like what it says about Isaac, being old and full of days...I think it's funny that when he started going blind he thought he was dying but he lived for many years after that and now has many many grandchildren. I hope that when I die, people can say I died old and full of days. I want people to think that I had a full life, because though, I am still very young in years I do believe my life thus far has been full of family, friends, love and joy. Sure you have a hard day here and there but over all it is always a good day, because I'm still alive. One of the guys I work with told me something very nice today.... He said he enjoys working with me, sure I tease him and he calls it verbal abuse, but he said I know you never mean it mean and you're always so much fun to work with. I may have paraphrased it alittle bit, but I love that people enjoy working with me. I would hate to be the person that people try not to get stuck working the same day as me... that would be sad. In fact they were all teasing me about how much I smile and laugh, which if I was to choose to have a flaw I hope it would be I am too joyful. I got the Joy Joy Joy down in my heart... Where? down in my heart!

Joy to You and God Bless!!

Thirty Four...

So today was sunday. I woke up went for a short 3 mile run and went to church and then went out to lunch with some ladies after church, came home and decided I didn't want to sit around my apartment all day so I decided to go for a walk, I put in some headphones and went for a stroll, I went to starbucks and stopped for a while to sip on a delicious drink and sit in the air conditioning, then I continued on to Central Market, my first time in the store. It had delicious amounts of food to choose from, I decided on some sushi for dinner.... Amazing... I walked back and that was that I spent the rest of the evening chilling, eating dinner and watching some Melissa and Joey reruns.

What I ate... scone and fruit, coffee, chicken caesar wrap, passion tea lemonade from SB, and spicy tuna roll from Central Market as well as some bread in olive oil... delish!

What I read.... Genesis 34

I am really not a fan of this passage... I will admit. Instead of focusing on the whole chapter I want to look primarily at this part....

¹ Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. ² And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her and lay with her, and violated her. ³ His soul was strongly attracted to Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the young woman and spoke kindly to the young woman. ⁴ So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, “Get me this young woman as a wife.”

Where was Jacob when all of this was going down... Why was Dinah out on her own... Why was she seeking out the other daughters of the land, why not stay with her own people.... Well, here's my thoughts, I know I've gone through some trials and factors that changed my perspective. As a young woman I can greatly identify with Dinah's need to get out and socialize and since, there were not any other women her own age in her family she sought out friends from the other daughters of the land. As humans we seek companionship. That is totally understandable.. I've been there too. However, instead of being protected she was by herself and Shechem came grabbed her and raped her? Wow that sounds a lot like today's world does it now. Guy sees pretty girl, guy wants pretty girl, guy sleeps with girl... Was she consenting? Does it matter? He was older, she was a young girl perhaps still a minor? The thought that keeps coming back to me is why was she by herself? Why did no one go with her? As young women, we desire to get out of the home, to make a way for ourselves, but why was no one looking out for her. Who was there to tell her don't cross the street by yourself... If her brothers were out tending the flocks, where was she supposed to be... I guess I recently listened to the song... Daughters by John Mayer... watch it if you get a chance to check it out... It it pretty good... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZLbUIa7exE It kind of just explains that little girls are super impressionable, we want to be pretty, we desire attention and it amazing, that when as little girls we don't get attention, we go out in search of friends or we go out looking to get some attention. Now I know that some attention is considered good attention and sometimes it is considered bad... it all comes down to where it's coming from or where you go to get it... I think Dinah was in the wrong part of town... I am so thankful for my parents for being the amazing people that they are... Sure, we are not the Cleavers but we sure share a lot of love, joy and when I was growing up, sometimes I wanted them to stop paying such close attention to what I was doing... Love you both!!

God Bless!

Thirty three....

Lord give me patience.... My computer keeps acting up and it has been such a trial to write these past few times. It makes writing it become a chore and not an enjoyable event like it was in the beginning. Well, it was my first time working on a Saturday. It was quite and rather peaceful in the PACU today, however, we still had a steady stream of surgeries as more and more people were added to the list. Well, I got to learn more about my co-workers today which was fun.

Well, today I was not so great on my diet, I ran 5 miles when I got up, I didn't have time to eat or stretch so when I got to work I had some berries and granola, then I ate a few gram crackers while at work, however, when I got home I had a tuna pasta salad and the little bit of ice cream that was left in the fridge that has been taunting me, because I didn't want to throw it out and wast food. The good thing is I had it since June and it was still good. At least I didn't eat it all in one sitting. right moderation is good...

What I read... Genesis 33

Well, Jacob finally meets his brother Esau and he is happy to see him, he embraces him and loves on him and all is good again. All that worrying for nothing... or perhaps all the gifts did soften him up or why would he have traveled out with all those men.... perhaps the heart of Esau was changed as the heart of Jacob was changed...

¹⁸ After Jacob came from Paddan Aram, he arrived safely at the city of Shechem in Canaan and camped within sight of the city. ¹⁹ For a hundred pieces of silver, he bought from the sons of Hamor, the father of Shechem, the plot of ground where he pitched his tent. ²⁰There he set up an altar and called it El Elohe Israel.

I do love the ending of this chapter... He bought some land and pitched his tent and then built an alter to the Lord to praise him and worship and show his love and thanks to the Lord by calling it El Elohe Israel= Mighty is the God of Israel. I love that... I need to start walking about building alters to the Lord and calling them Mighty is the God of Inmans or Mighty is the God of Chelle.... well, if you see me praying by some rocks... I'll tell you if I named the place. I was thinking the other day... not that I need it, but it would be cool to have a place to just go and praise the Lord.... back at home there was a place that I would go in High School and after, but I would go on a run, usually a nice short 3 miler and then I'd stop by the river in a secluded spot and sit and pray and worship the Lord. I never gave it a name, but it was nice to have a place that though it was not my own, I could often go there when things got to hard, or I just needed to clear my head, or I honestly just wanted out of my head. There is something about being the in the beauty of nature that the Lord is able to speak so loudly, it's a wonder I ever want to be inside. Granted

the heat can drive me inside pretty quick, but the Lords majesty seems to be amplified in the world around us.

Just look at the beauty of a sunset and tell me the one who created color did not have fun painting the skies with life and beauty that could stop someone dead in their tracks that they have to watch as the sun slowly fades into the distance and the world is taken over by darkness. How awesome that we daily have a light show to start and end our day. I've always thought that every sunset is a glimpse of the promise of the beauty that will come tomorrow. Silly, I know but I think that is why I love sunsets so much. When you see the sunset tonight, think of all the promises that the Lord will fulfill for you tomorrow.

Good Night and God Bless!

Thirty two....

So today was weigh in day... lost another pound... down 3... woohoo!! So exciting. Today I was charge again, it's getting a little less chaotic and more enjoyable. However, there always seems to be the awkward transition from switching from one nurse to the other being charge. I never quite know how to make it smoother... one day it'll happen. Well, more blessings, the youth pastor at Wayside e-mailed me back so hopefully, we can meet up and see if I'm a good fit to start helping out in the youth ministry. I know I am young, but I really feel the Lords strong but gentle hand tugging on me to get plugged in. I also am going to try going to some of the connection dinners that they have at church. So, hoping to meet more people that way. Yay!

What I ate... breakfast coffee and eggs, turkey burger, salad, coffee, granola and berries for dessert.

What I read... Genesis 32.

Well, the last we saw Jacob he had left his Uncle Laban and was now on his way back home. Well, the last time he was home Esau threatened to kill him... so I can understand his hesistation coming home... So in hopes to win Esau's favor he sends ahead tons of cattle, sheep and goats as gifts to his brother in hopes to win favor that he will not kill him. Well, instead of ending the chapter with Jacob trembling in his sleep before meeting his brother again... He ends up wrestling with God.

²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

²⁷ The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

²⁸ Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

²⁹ Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

How often do I get in my bed and ponder the things of the past day or of things to come.... Why do I not just give them up to the Lord, why do I hold on to it and struggle with it all night long. I sometimes just need to learn to give up to the Lord and leave it with him, for he knows the plans he has for me, he knows what will be beneficial in my life and what struggles I need to go through to come around to him. I think it is interesting that Jacob seemed to know that it was God too. He knew that he was struggling with him and begged him for a blessing. He also got a new name, Israel. Did Jacob know that his name would later represent the flesh and his God given name would soon become a nation. How crazy to go into a fight thinking your one person and to come out with a new name and a blessing. I wonder what he said in the blessing for it shut up Jacob and he stopped pestering him about his name. Did he tell him to stop fearing his brother, did he tell him that he would later be the father to a nation that would be God's chosen people. I wonder why we are not told as readers of his life. I wonder if it was humbling as when I struggle with God and he reveals himself in his word and I realize what a numbchuck I have been to think that I knew what was best. I wonder what went through his mind as he struggled. Perhaps it is best that we do not know, for we can relate to struggling with God, however, what God has to say to us is catered and cut out perfectly to touch our own hearts where we are right at the time we need to hear it. I know he speaks to me through these chapters I've been reading and sometimes I can express it in words to you and sometimes it is only meant for my heart to hear. May the Lord bless you with what he teaches you today.

God Bless!

Thirty-one!!

So...back to the grind at work, I was charge nurse again, I did alright near the end, but we got hit hard when I first took over, overall a good day. I got an email from church and connection dinners will be starting soon... I am greatly looking forward to getting to know more people. I also finally went and e-mailed the youth pastor about helping out with the high schoolers. I am super excited about meeting him and his wife and seeing if there is a place for me to help out. Lord willing that all these gentle nudges I have been feeling towards the youth group is of him and not of me. Please pray that it goes well and that there might be a place for me to help out.

What I ate... banana and peanut butter, coffee and 2 ginger snaps, salad, coffee with 2 crackers, banana and peanut butter and for dessert granola and berries.

What I read... Genesis 31

Oh the heart of Laban, so Laban does not want Jacob to go because the Lord has blessed Laban because of Jacob, and when the Lord tells Jacob to take all the speckled livestock and run with his wives, for fear of Laban coming to kill him, because his sons were murmuring about Jacob and now Laban's fickle heart was changing towards Jacob as well, so after Jacob flees with his livestock and his family, he is overtaken by Laban after 7 days....

²² On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. ²³ Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. ²⁴ Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.”

²⁵ Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too. ²⁶ Then Laban said to Jacob, “What have you done? You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war. ²⁷ Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of timbrels and harps? ²⁸ You didn’t even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters goodbye. You have done a foolish thing. ²⁹ I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.’ ³⁰ Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father’s household. But why did you steal my gods?”

So, Jacob was smart enough to know that Laban was not after him just because he wanted to say Goodbye and if Jacob had waited till Laban was ready to say goodbye he might never have left. It was the urging of the Lord that got him out of there. Then the Lord appears to Laban and tells him not to harm to saying anything against Jacob, however, Laban states that the only reason he has come after Jacob is because he took his gods. Now I am not really going to get into the fact that Rachel was the one that stole them, and Jacob says whoever has stolen will be put to death, but I will rag upon Laban this time, for the fact that he has come after little figurines that do not speak to you in the night, they do not deliver messages in dreams, they do not call fire down from above, they do not give blessings or deliver promises and yet Laban wanted them bad enough to use that as a reason to overtake Jacob. Now Jacob's God came to Laban the very night before, yet Laban was blind enough to not believe or have faith in Jacob's God. I wonder if we'll see uncle Laban in heaven. Or is uncle Laban still off worshiping his little figurines.

We do it too nowadays, with our cars, or our houses, our belongings, our TV's our computers, things that cannot do anything for us. They cannot bless us, they cannot give us eternal life, they cannot call fire down from heaven and they would never have been made if the one that first made us had not given someone the inspiration and ideas to come up with them... I cannot help but wonder sometimes... what idols, or gods am I putting before the one true God... how many things in my possession do I think I cannot live without? If everything I ever owned was suddenly burned, destroyed or vanished... I would still be able to live. I have friends that would help put me up. I would learn to live without, because I would still have my life. Now I don't want the Lord to take that as an invitation for an apartment fire. However, I do give praise and honor to God for all of the amazing things that he has allowed into my life. I am so blessed to have a roof over my head, a job, a car to get to my job, food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear. I hope I never become a person that just wants and wants and wants. I think I've always had a desire to do with the bare minimum and maybe a little bit extra... even though, the Lord has blessed me with far more than I deserve. I guess tonight from this passage I can really truly see how blessed I am for how much I have. Thank you Lord.

Good Night and God Bless!

Day Thirty!!

So, I have made it a month... Yay!!

Today was a joyous day of sleeping in and going swimming, laying out by the pool and going running with a friend.

What I ate... greek scramble, banana and peanut butter, salad, banana and peanut butter (banana's going bad again :(...) salad for dinner

What I read.... Genesis 30

So at the beginning of the chapter we have a sibling rivalry between Leah and Rachel and Bilhah(Rachel's maid servant) on who can have the most children. One thing I thought was interesting, because when Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to have children, Hagar began to disrespect Sarah, however, when Bilhah was given the Jacob to have children for Rachel, she seemed to do it quite willingly and maintained her maidservant status. Just an interesting side note. Perhaps Bilhah had a servant's heart as we should and did as she was told and still respected her mistress. I know most people could read this whole chapter and probably not glean that at all. However, I seemed to have gotten stuck upon it. Considering that we are to be as bond servants to the Lord. We are not paid, for what we do and we are not enslaved, but we do it willingly. We chose to serve, perhaps we too should have the same servant's heart that Bilhah had. What an amazing woman to be, to bear children for your mistress, and to not really truly be able to call them your own. For Rachel considers all of Bilhah's children her own that is until she has Joseph. What an amazing thing. Like women who carry another woman's baby... So crazy the thought to me, to carry a baby for 9 months, to get to know that baby to love them to carry them with you and then once they are born to give to someone else to raise. Like women who put their children up for adoption... I don't know if I could ever do that. I know most women do it because they knew their babies would be better cared for in a home that could take care of them, yet still it is so sad the children that never get to know their real mom's. What did Dan, Nephtali must have called Rachel or Bilhah? mom or step mom or woman or maidservant. Who truly knows.... but still the heart of Bilhah is truly outstanding to me... Granted Zilpah was used as well. However, it is Bilhah that I find really remarkable, because at that time Rachel had no children. It is just amazing the things that occurred in Bible times. Like polygamy, concubines, a harem. Today we laugh at Hugh Hefner, but how similar his life must have been to some of these men and most of all no one thought otherwise, or hey this is weird and wrong.... Didn't they eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Well, when is it planning to kick in? I guess it just comes back to man's inability to live without sin in their lives. Man's fleshly tendencies that obscure the truth and good. I guess most of all I just want you to see Bilhah as the amazing outstanding woman that I see her as, not deceptive, not vindictive, just willing to do whatever Rachel tells her and to do it willingly... just as well should be willing to do the work of the Lord, no questions asked and with a servants heart.

Good Night and God Bless!

I just need prayer

Please Pray ...

There are just some things that have been weighing very heavily on my lately. I don't know quite to vocalize them... so maybe I can just express them in words as I just plan to type and let my fingers find the words to say. I feel so great some days... however, there are some things that have been greatly bothering me that I just push to the back of my mind and choose not to deal with. So, I am going to open up and get it all out there. I miss my grandma, and I am so happy that she is in a place where the Lord has her and that he can watch over her and take care of her. However, I'm about to jump subjects so just try to stay with me if you can. I recently took on a challenge of loving kindness, which I've felt to be very difficult but at the same time a welcome challenge. After taking on this challenge it was not long till I realized I had been harboring bitterness in my life, towards some of my family, not any of my immediate family, but more around the time that my grandma passed. Some things were said and some anger was made. However, 2 Saturdays ago now, I called my Aunt, of which the bad words were spoken. I love her and I miss talking to her. I called and I apologized and I just wanted to tell her that I love her and was thinking about her. I was trying to be nonchalant with the message as I did not want more angry words uttered. However, it was not until this past Sunday, when they discussed rejection, did I realize just how much I wanted her to call me back and for all of that anger and bitterness to just disappear. I know that she is busy with her own family and still dealing with the death of her own mother. It's just that in case she reads this... I want her to know that I love her and that she means so much to me and I don't feel quite ready to let the relationship go. Before I was just angry and mad and upset at the pain and frustration that had gone on between my family and for my father especially. Now, I think I've finally come around to acceptance and I miss the relationship that was once there. I don't know that kind of prayer I need. I don't know what to say or if there is more to say. But that I love my family and they mean far more to me than to just give up on them. I appreciate every word that she wrote to me in a book that my mom made for me to refer to when I'm missing home and reading those words, makes it even more clear to me that I want her back in my life. So, I guess the prayer is not for me, but for her. I pray that she is doing well that the Lord is comforting her in her time of sadness and hurt and giver her strength and joy. Amen

Twenty- Nine

Well, today was a splendid day off of cleaning and organizing and dishes and laundry. I also got to watch Capt America with a friend from church. I peeked in on Sandra today, I wanted to know how she was doing. She went and saw a specialist that told her they were not going to do surgery, but that she also has really bad carpal tunnel that her primary doctor had not noticed. So, now she is going to have that taken care of as well. It was very nice to speak to her and learn that she is doing well.... My productiveness of cleaning as stopped sadly, I still need to sweep and mop the kitchen... but I guess it can wait for now. Luckily I have another day off tomorrow!

What I ate... greek scramble, salad, popcorn, banana with peanut butter, something healthy for dinner I suppose, probably will end up eating some salad with rice and chicken.

What I read.... Genesis 29

Well, Jacob runs off to Uncle Laban and finds Rachel and wants to marry her immediately. I'm telling you these Bible women must have been real Lookers!

¹⁶ Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. ¹⁸ Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”

¹⁹ Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” ²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

²¹ Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”

²² So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. ²³ But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. ²⁴ And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

²⁵ When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”

²⁶ Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. ²⁷ Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”

²⁸ And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. ²⁹Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. ³⁰ Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

I think it's sad that Laban gives Leah to Jacob first, when Jacob was already in love with Rachel. How Leah must have felt to be part of the deception in going to bed with Jacob that night. Where was Rachel in this? Did they lock in the closet? Why was she not crashing the party saying Hey now he's my man, he worked seven years for me. I cannot imagine the sibling rivalry that would ensue for Jacob. Well, what comes around goes around, Jacob had deceived his father and now he was being deceived. How much did Jacob drink that he did not recognize Leah till he woke up? Oh craziness. How similar to our days, when people go to bed with one person and wake up to not recognize them at all. Some beer goggles as we call it now.

I thought this would be a funny picture to help illustrate my thoughts, background= Leah, foreground= Rachel. It's terrible the things we do now-a-days. A one night stand is acceptable in society's eyes and those of us that choose to wait until marriage are mocked and seen as old fashioned or unreasonable. When did sex become more important than love. Are we loving one another when we don't value a person's worth by taking something that isn't yours to have. Or when we give it away we see ourselves of no worth when we don't value what is really only meant for one other person. Someone asked me if I would marry a man that is not a virgin, because he found out that I was a virgin. The truth of the matter is, yes I would perfer someone that has chosen to wait, however, if he did it before becoming a christian he was born again and thus has restored his purity. Please don't think my unreasonable or against all people who chose to have sex before marriage, however, I just don't think it was God's plan and therefore, I don't want it to be part of my plan. I guess if that makes me narrow minded and you chose to judge me for that think this... how narrow minded are you being that you would not consider waiting even an option. Besides I'm living for an audience of one, who are you living for?

God Bless!

Twenty- Eight

Today was a bit more entertaining then most to me. I woke up and started getting ready, only to hear a knock at my door. I suddenly rifle through the people that could be knocking at my door, I certainly do not know a lot of people here, so that list was quite short. It couldn't be Caitlin, it might be Katie, but why would she be knocking. Could it be my neighbor from downstairs, perhaps I'm making more noise than normal this morning and she wants me to shut up. When I finally reach the front door, I realize it was not Katie, or my neighbor directly below me, but my neighbor Sandra. The sweet old lady that lives catty corner from me on the downstairs floor. She apparently had taken a little tumble and her hand was starting to swell. After the surprise of who could be at my door disappeared and I sprang into nurse mode. RICE it, was what I said which made completely no sense to her. Rest Ice Compression and Elevation I explained. I did not know the extent of the damage that she had done, so I told her if the swelling got to be too much go to see a Doctor, I tried to be delicate in my word choice, but I know that people her age have fragile bones and I wanted her to take care of herself. After a long 10 hour day of work. I was exciting to eat and relax. I will admit I had slightly forgotten about Sandra for I had a terrible headache that was demanding some aspirin or at least a nap. When I got to the top of the stairs her door opened to reveal a tired but spunky older woman with her hand in a splint. She explained to me that the doctor had told her that she had broken multiple bones in her hand and might even need surgery. She in fact was going to see a specialist about her hand the following day. Well, I was glad she told me her news for I had been thinking of her earlier that day. I am glad that she feels comfortable enough to share with me or to knock on my door for advice, even if I did nothing but tell her was any first aide guide would say.

What I ate. breakfast shake, salad, turkey burger and clementines, banana with peanut butter and salad with chicken and noodles.

What I read... Genesis 28

So I really never took much note on this passage other than this is when Jacob really accepts the Lord as his own God and not just his father's God. How amazing it would be to have such a dream as the dream Jacob has.

¹⁰ Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Harran. ¹¹ When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. ¹² He had a dream in which he saw a stairway resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. ¹³ There above it stood the LORD, and he said: “I am the LORD, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying. ¹⁴ Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring. ¹⁵ I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

¹⁶ When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” ¹⁷ He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.”

¹⁸ Early the next morning Jacob took the stone he had placed under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on top of it. ¹⁹ He called that place Bethel, though the city used to be called Luz.

²⁰ Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear ²¹ so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD will be my God ²² and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth.”

I don't really want to get pulled into what the meaning of this dream is. For there are many thoughts about what is Jacob's ladder. However, I personally saw more enjoyment in reading about the way the Lord spoke to Jacob and the way Jacob responded. He immediately woke up and praised the Lord in building and alter and calling the place Bethel, which means House of God. I loved that. But the part that really hit home to me was in verse 20. God is with us and he is watching over us on our journeys. The Lord is with me now. I may be a thousand miles away from home. I might not be currently moving but I am on a journey and the Lord is with me always that is something that no one can take away and He will be with me if I travel to Iraq or Afghanistan and he will not only be with me but he will provide and take care of me. There is something so humbling about the agape love that the Lord has for us. It makes you feel special in a world where you feel like some days nothing is going your way. He is there to take care of you. Just as he say Hagar and Ishmael wandering in the desert he took care of them. I can't remember the name of the woman, but I do remember she was in a concentration camp. She said, "You'll never know that God is all you need, until God is all you have." Praise be to Him that he provides and takes care of us.

God Bless.