I just need prayer

Please Pray ...

There are just some things that have been weighing very heavily on my lately. I don't know quite to vocalize them... so maybe I can just express them in words as I just plan to type and let my fingers find the words to say. I feel so great some days... however, there are some things that have been greatly bothering me that I just push to the back of my mind and choose not to deal with. So, I am going to open up and get it all out there. I miss my grandma, and I am so happy that she is in a place where the Lord has her and that he can watch over her and take care of her. However, I'm about to jump subjects so just try to stay with me if you can. I recently took on a challenge of loving kindness, which I've felt to be very difficult but at the same time a welcome challenge. After taking on this challenge it was not long till I realized I had been harboring bitterness in my life, towards some of my family, not any of my immediate family, but more around the time that my grandma passed. Some things were said and some anger was made. However, 2 Saturdays ago now, I called my Aunt, of which the bad words were spoken. I love her and I miss talking to her. I called and I apologized and I just wanted to tell her that I love her and was thinking about her. I was trying to be nonchalant with the message as I did not want more angry words uttered. However, it was not until this past Sunday, when they discussed rejection, did I realize just how much I wanted her to call me back and for all of that anger and bitterness to just disappear. I know that she is busy with her own family and still dealing with the death of her own mother. It's just that in case she reads this... I want her to know that I love her and that she means so much to me and I don't feel quite ready to let the relationship go. Before I was just angry and mad and upset at the pain and frustration that had gone on between my family and for my father especially. Now, I think I've finally come around to acceptance and I miss the relationship that was once there. I don't know that kind of prayer I need. I don't know what to say or if there is more to say. But that I love my family and they mean far more to me than to just give up on them. I appreciate every word that she wrote to me in a book that my mom made for me to refer to when I'm missing home and reading those words, makes it even more clear to me that I want her back in my life. So, I guess the prayer is not for me, but for her. I pray that she is doing well that the Lord is comforting her in her time of sadness and hurt and giver her strength and joy. Amen

Twenty- Nine

Well, today was a splendid day off of cleaning and organizing and dishes and laundry. I also got to watch Capt America with a friend from church. I peeked in on Sandra today, I wanted to know how she was doing. She went and saw a specialist that told her they were not going to do surgery, but that she also has really bad carpal tunnel that her primary doctor had not noticed. So, now she is going to have that taken care of as well. It was very nice to speak to her and learn that she is doing well.... My productiveness of cleaning as stopped sadly, I still need to sweep and mop the kitchen... but I guess it can wait for now. Luckily I have another day off tomorrow!

What I ate... greek scramble, salad, popcorn, banana with peanut butter, something healthy for dinner I suppose, probably will end up eating some salad with rice and chicken.

What I read.... Genesis 29

Well, Jacob runs off to Uncle Laban and finds Rachel and wants to marry her immediately. I'm telling you these Bible women must have been real Lookers!

¹⁶ Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. ¹⁸ Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”

¹⁹ Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” ²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

²¹ Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”

²² So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. ²³ But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. ²⁴ And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

²⁵ When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”

²⁶ Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. ²⁷ Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”

²⁸ And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. ²⁹Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. ³⁰ Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

I think it's sad that Laban gives Leah to Jacob first, when Jacob was already in love with Rachel. How Leah must have felt to be part of the deception in going to bed with Jacob that night. Where was Rachel in this? Did they lock in the closet? Why was she not crashing the party saying Hey now he's my man, he worked seven years for me. I cannot imagine the sibling rivalry that would ensue for Jacob. Well, what comes around goes around, Jacob had deceived his father and now he was being deceived. How much did Jacob drink that he did not recognize Leah till he woke up? Oh craziness. How similar to our days, when people go to bed with one person and wake up to not recognize them at all. Some beer goggles as we call it now.

I thought this would be a funny picture to help illustrate my thoughts, background= Leah, foreground= Rachel. It's terrible the things we do now-a-days. A one night stand is acceptable in society's eyes and those of us that choose to wait until marriage are mocked and seen as old fashioned or unreasonable. When did sex become more important than love. Are we loving one another when we don't value a person's worth by taking something that isn't yours to have. Or when we give it away we see ourselves of no worth when we don't value what is really only meant for one other person. Someone asked me if I would marry a man that is not a virgin, because he found out that I was a virgin. The truth of the matter is, yes I would perfer someone that has chosen to wait, however, if he did it before becoming a christian he was born again and thus has restored his purity. Please don't think my unreasonable or against all people who chose to have sex before marriage, however, I just don't think it was God's plan and therefore, I don't want it to be part of my plan. I guess if that makes me narrow minded and you chose to judge me for that think this... how narrow minded are you being that you would not consider waiting even an option. Besides I'm living for an audience of one, who are you living for?

God Bless!

Twenty- Eight

Today was a bit more entertaining then most to me. I woke up and started getting ready, only to hear a knock at my door. I suddenly rifle through the people that could be knocking at my door, I certainly do not know a lot of people here, so that list was quite short. It couldn't be Caitlin, it might be Katie, but why would she be knocking. Could it be my neighbor from downstairs, perhaps I'm making more noise than normal this morning and she wants me to shut up. When I finally reach the front door, I realize it was not Katie, or my neighbor directly below me, but my neighbor Sandra. The sweet old lady that lives catty corner from me on the downstairs floor. She apparently had taken a little tumble and her hand was starting to swell. After the surprise of who could be at my door disappeared and I sprang into nurse mode. RICE it, was what I said which made completely no sense to her. Rest Ice Compression and Elevation I explained. I did not know the extent of the damage that she had done, so I told her if the swelling got to be too much go to see a Doctor, I tried to be delicate in my word choice, but I know that people her age have fragile bones and I wanted her to take care of herself. After a long 10 hour day of work. I was exciting to eat and relax. I will admit I had slightly forgotten about Sandra for I had a terrible headache that was demanding some aspirin or at least a nap. When I got to the top of the stairs her door opened to reveal a tired but spunky older woman with her hand in a splint. She explained to me that the doctor had told her that she had broken multiple bones in her hand and might even need surgery. She in fact was going to see a specialist about her hand the following day. Well, I was glad she told me her news for I had been thinking of her earlier that day. I am glad that she feels comfortable enough to share with me or to knock on my door for advice, even if I did nothing but tell her was any first aide guide would say.

What I ate. breakfast shake, salad, turkey burger and clementines, banana with peanut butter and salad with chicken and noodles.

What I read... Genesis 28

So I really never took much note on this passage other than this is when Jacob really accepts the Lord as his own God and not just his father's God. How amazing it would be to have such a dream as the dream Jacob has.

¹⁰ Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Harran. ¹¹ When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. ¹² He had a dream in which he saw a stairway resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. ¹³ There above it stood the LORD, and he said: “I am the LORD, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying. ¹⁴ Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring. ¹⁵ I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

¹⁶ When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” ¹⁷ He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.”

¹⁸ Early the next morning Jacob took the stone he had placed under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on top of it. ¹⁹ He called that place Bethel, though the city used to be called Luz.

²⁰ Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear ²¹ so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LORD will be my God ²² and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth.”

I don't really want to get pulled into what the meaning of this dream is. For there are many thoughts about what is Jacob's ladder. However, I personally saw more enjoyment in reading about the way the Lord spoke to Jacob and the way Jacob responded. He immediately woke up and praised the Lord in building and alter and calling the place Bethel, which means House of God. I loved that. But the part that really hit home to me was in verse 20. God is with us and he is watching over us on our journeys. The Lord is with me now. I may be a thousand miles away from home. I might not be currently moving but I am on a journey and the Lord is with me always that is something that no one can take away and He will be with me if I travel to Iraq or Afghanistan and he will not only be with me but he will provide and take care of me. There is something so humbling about the agape love that the Lord has for us. It makes you feel special in a world where you feel like some days nothing is going your way. He is there to take care of you. Just as he say Hagar and Ishmael wandering in the desert he took care of them. I can't remember the name of the woman, but I do remember she was in a concentration camp. She said, "You'll never know that God is all you need, until God is all you have." Praise be to Him that he provides and takes care of us.

God Bless.